Introduction

While browsing around the Web in search of nothing in particular, I stumbled upon a site that featured some of the dumbest things that students had written in school essays. The idea occurred to me to combine as many of these "dumb things" into an essay of my own.

This essay deals with two "star-crossed" lovers who finally meet. And, the rest, as they say, is history.

So, here is the story of John and Mary. Most of the metaphors are actual quotes from student essays - some of them are my own. I hope you get laugh or two out of this. I think with all that is going on in the world and in the United States, we all need to take time out to laugh.

A Love Story

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph , the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph . Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He had loved her for so long it seemed like a miracle that he was actually standing right in front of her. He could actually reach out and hold her just as certainly as he could hold a cold glass of milk in his hands. It was real and he knew he was in love. He loved her more than his X-Box. Even more than his Wii. His heart was jumping like popcorn in a microwave and his thoughts fluttered like the wings of the bat his father chased out of the house with a broom.

He wanted to impress her a lot, so he spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Here she was. Finally after all this time, right there with him. Within his eager grasp. Over the past weeks and months she grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He was in love and she knew it.

When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Her words flowed like honey from a plastic squeeze bottle, but her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He could overlook her poor vocabulary and her bad grammar for he envisioned the future like a TV weatherman. He imagined them living in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth, and their children hopping around the backyard just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

He was so in love it all seemed like a dream to him. Meeting her after all this time was a relief like finally getting to use the bathroom after a bus ride.

She was tall and slender. She moved like a ballerina rising gracefully en pointe and extending one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. He was melting faster than the proverbial snowball in Hell and he felt as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Suddenly it began to rain, but they were so entranced they didn't move. They stood there in the raindrops, gazing into each others' eyes - lost in love. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. He took her hand and kissed her on the check. It was a gentle kiss, the kind you would give to a corpse in a casket. Her skin was soft as velvet and when she sighed he shivered. He wanted to take her to the movies. He told her that going to the movies was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

John and Mary walked off though the rain entwined like like fishing line tangled in a reef.  They were so in love, so, so, much in love.

He bought the tickets to the movie and they disappeared inside.

A romance which began as an ugly green caterpillar blossomed into a beautiful butterfly.