Sometimes, when I look at my childrenI say to myself,

'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. 

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

  - Eleanor Roosevelt 

 

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. 

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

  -  Mark Twain
 

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; 

and to have the two as close together as possible.

  -  George Burns

 

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

  - Victor Borge

 

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  - Mark Twain

 

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; 

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

  - Socrates

 

 

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  - Groucho Marx

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

  -  Jimmy Durante

 

 

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

  - Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: 

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

  - Alex Levine

 

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

  - Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan 

 

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

  - Joe Namath 

 

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

  - Bob Hope 

 

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  - W. C. Fields

 

 

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

  - Will Rogers

 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

  - Winston Churchill 

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... 

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  - Phyllis Diller

 

 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

  -  Billy Crystal

 

 


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.