To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at nose height.


Dear Dogs and Cats...


The dishes with the paw print are yours and

contain your food. The other dishes are mine and

contain my food  Please note, placing a paw print in

the middle of my plate and food does not stake a

claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I

find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and

is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not

the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall

faster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king

sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not

think I will continue sleeping on the couch to

ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl

up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary

to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out

to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that

sticking tails straight out and having tongues

hanging out the other end to maximize space is

nothing but sarcasm.


For the last time, there is not a secret

exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat

you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob

or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the

door open. I must exit through the same door I

entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for

years --canine or feline attendance is not required.


The proper order is kiss me, then go smell

the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!


To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted

the following message on our front door:


  To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here. You don't.

  2. If you don't want their hair on your

clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, 

hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

  Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

  1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.