Sometimes, when I look at my childrenI say to myself,

'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. 

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

  - Eleanor Roosevelt 



Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. 

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

  -  Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; 

and to have the two as close together as possible.

  -  George Burns



Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

  - Victor Borge



Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  - Mark Twain



By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; 

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

  - Socrates




I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  - Groucho Marx



My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

  -  Jimmy Durante




I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

  - Zsa Zsa Gabor



Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: 

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

  - Alex Levine



My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

  - Rodney Dangerfield



Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan 



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

  - Joe Namath 



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

  - Bob Hope 



I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  - W. C. Fields




We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

  - Will Rogers



Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

  - Winston Churchill 



Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... 

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  - Phyllis Diller




By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

  -  Billy Crystal



And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.